3 Steps to Confidence

Self ConfidenceMost of my life I’ve struggled with confidence and I hear the same from other INFJs. Over the years I’ve watched people who appeared confident and worked to figure out what makes them tick.  What I finally realized is that self-assurance isn’t some kind of inborn magic that only a lucky few have.  It’s a specific mind set, a perspective that anyone can learn.

Here are 3 steps that will help start you on the path to confidence:

1.  Stop worrying about what other people think of you

Self-consciousness, worrying about what others will think, is an instant confidence drainer.  People who are confident don’t stress if they’re under-dressed for a party or if people don’t agree with them.  Confident people own who they are and don’t care if they’re different.  They don’t get upset every time they goof up and if someone doesn’t like them they don’t agonize over it, they just shrug and move on.

2.  Be yourself

Imagine a shy person at a party, shrinking back in a corner, obviously worried that no one will talk to them. Now imagine that person sitting comfortably in that same corner, but they are relaxed and are enjoying just sitting quietly and watching the activities around them.  The first person is clearly insecure and anxious, the second comes across as relaxed and confident.  The difference between the two is that the second person accepts their quietness and just enjoys their experience of the party, the first resists who they naturally are and thinks they should be different. 

It’s interesting, once we really step in to our natural preferences, they stop feeling like problems and simply become facets of our personality.  Once I embraced the fact that I remember experiences rather than facts, I was no longer embarrassed that I forgot details and started enjoying my ability to replay the feeling of a sunny day or the joy expressed by the bride at her wedding.   

3. Focus on living a rich life rather than impressing others

You want to be beautiful/handsome, interesting, exciting and magnetic?  The good news is that you have everything you need to be all those things. Beauty?  It’s found in a relaxed smile, enthusiasm and personal style (think of the charismatic appeal of Adrian Brody, who’s exuberant personality makes him attractive, crooked nose and all). You want to be interesting and exciting? You’re both when you’re discussing areas that are obviously fascinating to you, areas that you’ve explored and spent time delving into (check out the engaging and compelling Benjamin Zander on TED.  I don’t care a thing about piano playing but I was riveted when I saw this little talk).  

In other words, the more you focus on who you are in the world, on learning, growing and connecting with others, the more attractive and confident you’ll be.

Sure, there are people who are born with confidence.  They don’t struggle like we do with shyness and insecurity.  But confidence is less about personality and more about self-acceptance.  People who are confident aren’t focused on their flaws, they’re focused on living life.  Rather than asking “Will this person like me?” they ask “What’s this person like?” When they make a faux pax they apologize and move on.  They enjoy who they are, idiosyncracies and all, because they know that their uniqueness is what makes them special.

 

Living With Grace

This week I’m just going to share this a wonderful passage about grace from the book Fortytude by Sarah Brokaw.  It struck me as a perfect way to look at life when things don’t work out as expected.

“When we make peace with life events, even when things don’t go the way we want, we exhibit grace.  When we manage stressful situations with humor, we exhibit grace.  When we are accepting of others, we exhibit grace.  Grace is not about physical beauty or having a ballerina’s poise.  It is composed of generosity, forgiveness, and equanimity in the face of trying times. 

Behaving with grace can prove challenging when we feel vulnerable.  These are the moments when we must dig deep, appreciating what we do have, reaching out to our loved ones for help, and trusting in our higher selves to get us through.”

 

10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: Epilogue – It’s Your Turn

Writing journal

The steps in 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life are based on my challenges, on what I’ve learned in my life.  They are the rules I try to follow every day to be the boldest, strongest and best person I can be.  But we all know that all INFJs aren’t the same.  So it’s time for you to create your own list of steps.

Here’s how:

  • Go back and read each of the previous ten steps in this series with a critical eye, exploring what’s true for you and what isn’t.  Redefine each step so that it suits you, adding what’s needed and tossing out what’s not.
  • Next, it’s your turn.  From the context of your life, what can you add to the list? Take your time in creating and exploring what you come up with – your rules are important.  When I started creating this series, when I took the time to really think about what I wanted to say, my awareness deepened and I learned even more about how to deal with my challenges. Your rules for life reflect who you want to be in the world, so create them thoughtfully.  You can use the following questions to help you flesh your new rules out:
      • What’s important about this rule?  Why is your rule worth thinking about and working on?
      • What’s lost when you don’t follow the rule?
      • What do you gain when you do?
  • Honor your rules in a way that works for you.  You might want to record them in a beautiful journal, or share them with someone else who can benefit.  Make sure they don’t get lost, they are an expression of what’s important to you. Your

Your rules for life should be a living, breathing list that grows and deepens as you go through your  life.  You can use them as guideposts when making decisions, and let them help you stay clear and focused during tough times.  They should reflect not only what you’ve learned but what you want to learn, they should inform both who you are and who you want to be.

Thank you for going on this journey with me, this is the final installment in 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.  I love all the connections that I’ve been able to make with other INFJs through this series, and I love hearing from you about your experiences as you discover the beauty of being an INFJ.

 

10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #1 View Yourself as Whole

When is the last time you heard an extrovert talk about how they wished they could be more introverted?  How they would like to start taking more time to think before they talk, or be able to just sit quietly at a party and enjoy watching the activity?

Probably never. You’re more likely to hear the reverse: introverts want to be more extroverted, more outgoing, more comfortable in social situations.  When this happens, when introverts focus on what they don’t have they end up ignoring the qualities they do have.

We Create Our Own Experience

Introverts often equate sitting alone at a party with being unpopular, but that’s only one way of looking at it. If you slouch in a corner looking like a loser, sure, your demeanor will telegraph exactly that.  Your anxious face will shout your innermost thoughts to the crowd: “I have no friends!” As a result – you guessed it – no one will want to talk to you.

SerenityNow imagine yourself at that same party, sitting in that same corner, but this time you’re calm and interested in what’s going on around you.  You don’t feel like a loser because you aren’t – you have friends, they just aren’t with you at the moment.  You realize that you can talk to people if you want to but you don’t have to, you know that you can leave any time you want.

Feels different, doesn’t it?  Now you’re sitting by yourself because you choose to.

You Are Not a Non-Extrovert

INFJ’s can get in the trap of defining who we are by comparing ourselves to our opposites.  We view our introversion as a lack of extroversion, we see our preference for dealing with our inner world as being inattentive.  We can believe that our emotionality makes us seem less intelligent, and that our preference for organization is an imposition on those who are more spontaneous and fun.

We need to turn that around.  We need to take the view that our quietness gives us a lovely depth of thought and creates calm in our environment.  And our ability to read between the lines is a perfect complement to analytical thought.  We need to value the fact that our orderly lives enable us to help our less organized family and friends.

And, the one I like best, our tender hearts are devoted to bringing peace and love into the world – what could be more important than that?

Exercise:  Interview With an INFJ

INFJs, in their desire to for harmony, can ignore or not even recognize their preferences.  In addition they can end up discounting their strengths and skills and focus on what others can do that they can’t.  The following exercise is designed to help you explore and embrace your unique likes and dislikes and better understand your strengths.

Directions: This exercise is designed to identify your preferences and strengths, so leave negativity and self-pity (yep, I said it – self-pity!) at the door.  Your answers should be positive declarations (e.g. “I love candy” as opposed to “I eat too many sweets.”)

  1. What is your favorite time of the day?
  2. What time do you like to go to bed at night and get up in the morning?
  3. What are your top three skills?
  4. What kind of humor do you like?  Quirky? Slapstick? Dirty?
  5. What is your favorite way to relax?
  6. What are you smartest about?
  7. Who is your favorite person to go to when you need help?
  8. Who comes to you for help?
  9. What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever done?  What skills did it take to do it?  How did you feel afterwards?
  10. What kind of books do you like?
  11. How would you dress if you had an unlimited budget?
  12. What is your favorite type of movie?
  13. What are your favorite foods?
  14. What pastimes do you enjoy? (e.g. cooking, writing, dancing)
  15. What are the three most important things you’ve learned in the past year?
  16. What would your friends say that they love about you?
  17. What do you love about yourself?
  18. What are you most proud of in your life?
  19. When are you most yourself?
  20. What challenge are you facing in your life right now?
  21. What else?  Add your ideas in the comments section!

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What can you add?  What have you learned about viewing yourself as whole?  Are there any books or articles on the subject that you can recommend?

This is the first installment in 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.