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The INFJ Coach
You Have the Right to Be Yourself
Category Archives: Inner Wisdom
Living With Grace
Posted by on June 3, 2011
This week I’m just going to share this a wonderful passage about grace from the book Fortytude by Sarah Brokaw. It struck me as a perfect way to look at life when things don’t work out as expected.
“When we make peace with life events, even when things don’t go the way we want, we exhibit grace. When we manage stressful situations with humor, we exhibit grace. When we are accepting of others, we exhibit grace. Grace is not about physical beauty or having a ballerina’s poise. It is composed of generosity, forgiveness, and equanimity in the face of trying times.
Behaving with grace can prove challenging when we feel vulnerable. These are the moments when we must dig deep, appreciating what we do have, reaching out to our loved ones for help, and trusting in our higher selves to get us through.”
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #9 Stop Trying to Control the World
Posted by on April 29, 2011
Don’t you just love it? That feeling that everything is going as it should? In my blog post The Illusion of Control I talk about how we fool ourselves into thinking we’ve got things under control.
As “J”s we have a natural desire to arrange circumstances, correct problems, make sure that things run smoothly. Add our “F” energy to that, all that mushy desire to make sure everyone is happy, and we can end up really overdoing it.
It feels good from our end, arranging things for other folks, but I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not fun to be on the other end of that energy. When I was growing up my father used to decide what was best for me and then badger me endlessly until I did things his way. I’ve never felt more disempowered and small than I did after giving in to his pressure.
I talked about defining and protecting your boundaries a few weeks ago, but my topic today is about identifying and respecting the boundaries of others. Because, really, the only person we need to control in life is ourselves. The only circumstances we are entitled to arrange are our own circumstances. The people in our lives have their own approach to solving problems and if they need our help they’ll ask for it. And yes, we can organize the heck out of committees, events and special occasions, but the only way we can make sure we’re not overrunning everyone else is to ask permission and accept the answer.
Exercise: Practice Letting Go
This exercise requires that you step out of your routine and pay attention to your assumptions. This can be difficult for an INFJ, there is often an inherent feeling of correctness to our opinions, they can feel so right that we forget there are other perspectives. You can overcome this “assumption of correctness” by stepping out of your personal perspective and taking on the perspective of an “observer self.” As an observer self, you become neutral, watching yourself interact with others as if you’re watching a movie.
- Over the next week, start paying attention to the small decisions you make where you assume that your way, or the way it’s always been done, is correct. These are the little things, like making the assumption that you and your friend will always have lunch at your favorite restaurant, automatically planning to arrive at a movie 20 minutes early, assuming that you and your neighbor will walk at the same time every day (these are all, by the way, examples from my life).
- Start letting the other person decide. Check in with them to see if they want something different. A casual way to do this is to say something like “We always go to lunch at Scotty’s, would you like to try someplace else?” or “What time would it work best for you to leave for the movies? If you’re in a group and plans are being made, try staying quiet and let the group make the decisions without your input.
- For each experience ask yourself the following:
- What was it like to give up control? Uncomfortable? Scary? Or was it freeing, a relief?
- What was the outcome of the new decision? Did things work out worse, better or the same?
- How did the other person/people respond to being consulted or making the decision?
- What did you learn?
Exercise: Who Do You Want To Be?
Who do you want to be when the time for decisions to be made? Think about your role in your family, friends and co-workers lives and design a set of rules for where you want your limits to be. By deciding before the fact you’re more likely to be aware as you navigate through this tricky terrain.
As an example, here are my rules:
- Don’t try to “fix” anything for my adult daughter. This means that if even if I see her struggling with something I don’t jump in with a solution unless asked. Letting other adults work out their own issues is a sign of respect, not neglect.
- When I’m planning something as part of a group:
- Voice my opinion as an opinion, not as a declaration of the way things should be.
- Listen to the suggestions of others openly, recognizing that their ideas might be better than mine.
- Step back from the desire that everything be planned, stop worrying about what might happen and just let it happen, knowing that I can handle whatever comes up.
- Ask for permission before planning, “fixing” or taking over someone else’s effort.
- Take “No” for an answer.
- Recognize the fact that just because I think my ideas are right doesn’t mean that they really are.
This is the ninth installment in a series of 10 weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #5 Protect Your Heart
Posted by on April 1, 2011
I’ve said it before – one of the best things about being an F is how tender-hearted we are. And one of the hardest things about being an F is how tender-hearted we are!
Like most F’s I seek harmony. And when one of my friends or loved ones is in a bad mood it’s really difficult not take it personally. My natural tendency is to make it about myself – “What did I do?” or “Why is he being so mean to me?” But this is a form of self-absorption: we’re focused on our reaction, on how we feel, rather than what’s happening with the other person. We need to shift the question from “Why is he picking on me?” to “What’s going on with him that’s upset him so much?”
Some Tips for Dealing with Others’ Upsets
Don’t take it personally - When someone else is upset, it’s about them, not you. Even if they lash out at you or blame you – remember that everyone loses perspective when they’re distraught. Keep your cool and give them the gift of your compassion.
Don’t try to fix or soothe them – you can’t - Telling someone the “look at the bright side” or to “feel better” doesn’t do anything except negate what they’re feeling. You can provide a safe and nurturing space for someone who’s upset by just listening and encouraging them to talk about how they feel.
Watch out for perennial victims - I used to work with a woman who always focused on the worst aspect of any situation. When she started a new job she’d immediately identify who “hated” her. Every setback was a disaster, every problem was the worst thing she’d ever dealt with. For years I rode these ups and downs with her, worrying about her latest insolvable problem or dysfunctional relationship. I finally recognized that her life was spent moving from trauma to trauma. I learned to provide a sympathetic ear and bits of feedback when I thought she could handle it, but I stopped getting sucked in to the drama of it all.
Avoid taking on their pain - Your compassion helps, your hurting along with the other person doesn’t. This also goes for all the painful input out there – TV news coverage of disasters or violence, commercials showing abused animals, even graphic movies or TV shows. Staying whole will enable you to use your compassion and caring to fuel contributions to solutions, taking on others’ pain will only weaken and distract you.
I know, all this is easier said than done. But it benefits everyone when you can provide a supportive, calm and grounded environment when someone close to you is upset – I like to think of it as giving the gift of being strong when they’re at their weakest.
Exercise: Who Owns This Problem?
Like the 6 Questions in Manage Those Pesky Emotions, you can use a few of questions to explore the emotions around interpersonal upsets. When you find yourself dealing with an upsetting situation, ask yourself:
- Who owns this problem? The person who is impacted by the problem is the owner, not you. In the example above, my friend’s problems belongs solely to her, in no way should they become my problems. The only exception to this is when the other person is a child or a defenseless creature – then ownership is shared by everyone.
- Have I contributed to the problem?
If the answer is “yes” the question then becomes: What can I do to make it right? (and it’s often as simple as apologizing)
If the answer is ”no” the question then becomes: Do I want to help and is it appropriate for me to do so? - What do I want my involvement to be? Make sure that if and how you help is your decision. You should always have final say on how much you want to help, and what contribution you are willing to make.
This is the fifth installment in a series of 10 weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
Who Knows What’s Good and What’s Bad?
Posted by on February 11, 2011
Image via Wikipedia
This week I’m going to share a traditional Taoist story that’s a favorite of mine:
When an old farmer’s stallion wins a prize at a country show his neighbor calls to congratulate him. The old farmer replies, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The next day some thieves steal his valuable animal. His neighbor calls to commiserate with him but the old man replies, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” A few days later the stallion escapes from the thieves and joins a herd of wild mares, leading them back to the farm. The neighbor calls to share the farmer’s joy, but the farmer replies, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The following day, while trying to break in one of the wild mares, the farmer’s son breaks his leg. The neighbor calls to share the farmer’s sorrow, but the old man replies, “Who knows what is good and what is bad?” The following week the army passes by, forcibly conscripting soldiers into their army but they don’t take the farmer’s son because he cannot walk.
The neighbor thinks to himself “Who knows what is good and what is bad?”
Destiny
Posted by on December 31, 2010
I found it in a bunch of papers – it was a life purpose statement that I’d written over ten years ago. At the time I was working in IT for a major corporation, focusing on improving my technical skills and moving up the ladder. But my purpose statement told another story:
“Develop my voice to support myself and others in living up to our fullest potential.”
Now, years later, I’m surprised by what I’d written – not only is it exactly what I’d write today, but it reflects perfectly what I’m doing now. Amazingly, my life as a writer and Life Coach is absolutely aligned with that purpose statement I’d written over a decade ago.
One might assume that after writing the statement I’d started down the path to who I am today, that my energies were redirected by this new intention, but that wouldn’t be true. What really happened was, after designing that heartfelt little statement, I filed it away and went right back to chasing money and promotions. As a matter of fact, over the next ten years I pretty much ignored what I’d identified as my life purpose.
But, and here’s the magic of life, I made it to this place anyway. It’s as if my dream, my vision of who I wanted to be, was planted like a seed in a little garden in the back of my mind. Over the years the seed grew slowly and steadily as it was watered by my successes and fertilized by my failures. Then, when it was time for it to bloom, it did. There came a time in my life when following my life purpose was the only option that made sense to me.
There’s a voice in all of us telling us who we want to be, maybe even who we’re meant to be. Often what it tells us feels unattainable – we’re absorbed in making a living, taking care of our families, trying to win. And that’s ok. Because as long as we hear that voice, as long as we recognize that it reflects a special part of who we are, it will stay alive until the time is right.
Copyright © 2010 From The Easy Place
In The Moment
Posted by on November 30, 2010
At this moment I’m edgy, antsy, trying to force myself to write. Even though I know that my best writing comes from the easy place, I find myself trying to squeeze charm onto the page with everything I’ve got. This wrestling match I’m in? Definitely the hard place.
It’s familiar to me, it reminds me of long days at a corporate desk, doing work that someone else assigned to me. Of facilitating meetings that no one, including myself, wanted to attend. It’s exhausting and the product of such effort is usually flat and flavorless.
A couple of days ago, I couldn’t get my thoughts on paper fast enough. I stood dripping from the shower, recording perfect sentences in my notebook before they vanished. As I walked to lunch I sent myself at least five text messages with notes for the pieces I was writing. The words seemed to come as I needed them, stories, metaphors, the perfect phrases – all there like little gifts. Definitely the easy place.
So, finally, I decide to simply be in this moment, this hard place moment, and write about what I’m experiencing now. Right now.
And suddenly the words are flowing again, the perfect phrases for what I’m feeling are here, at my fingertips, in the air around me ready to be plucked and put on the page.
What’s the wisdom in all this? I guess it’s that the easy place exists where I am, not where I think I’m supposed to be.
Copyright © 2010 From The Easy Place
Letting Go of Guilt
Posted by on July 6, 2010
For some reason, this post is difficult to write. I know what I want to say, but the subject of guilt feels twisted and hard. The word itself is like a gulp of shame – guilt.
I see guilt woven throughout my life, and throughout the lives of most people I know. We feel guilty for not only what we’ve done but also for our thoughts and desires, what we’ve wanted, what we’ve almost done. We even feel guilty for what others have done.
We feel guilty for being different from those around us.
A spider walks across my desk and I feel guilty for wanting to kill it rather than take it outside and let it loose. (I end up blowing it to the floor and pretending it isn’t there.)
Guilt is like a big pot of self hatred sitting in the middle of our lives, simmering and waiting patiently for the next piece of raw emotion to be dumped in. Anything goes – it doesn’t matter if the guilt is deserved or not, it’s all the same in this hard place. If it feels bad we must have done something wrong, so in the pot it goes.
Of course there are times when guilt is the right response, the clean, correct, and healthy response. When we’ve done something that violates our moral code our guilt is a signal that we need to correct our error and make amends. And then move on.
But that’s the only time that guilt is the right response. We’re not guilty just because people we love are in pain, or when we don’t meet other’s expectations. We’re not guilty because we tried something and failed, or because we’re not willing to do what others want us to do.
We’ve done nothing wrong unless we’ve done something wrong.
So enough with the guilt. Let’s move on and spend our energy on something else.
Copyright © 2010 From The Easy Place
The Illusion of Control
Posted by on June 21, 2010
I love being in control – having things just right and knowing that they’re going to stay that way. There’s nothing better than the knowledge that if I plan carefully and get the people around me to do things right, everything will go perfectly.
And that is a summation of the illusion of control. The belief that by controlling the people and circumstances around us we can make things work out “right”. And who defines “right”? We do of course. Those of us who love control also believe that our vision is the correct one.
It’s taken me decades to realize the emptiness of that belief. To understand that it’s all an illusion, that we believe things are in control simply because they’re going as we want them to. When things go smoothly, we relax, sitting comfortably in the certainty that our planning and preparation has worked. When things don’t go as planned they’re suddenly “out of control.”
Honestly, it makes me tired just to read this post. All that energy put into trying to arrange the unarrangable. The truth is, while our efforts do contribute to positive or negative results in our lives, we can only improve our chance for success, not guarantee it. Most of us can’t pass a test without studying for it, but we’ve all encountered the unhappy truth that studying alone doesn’t ensure an A.
Pursuing the belief that we can control the universe is distracting, wastes our energy and (take it from me) can be extremely annoying to the people around us. The antidote, I think, is trust. Trust that others also know what they’re doing. Trust that catastrophe won’t befall us if we let go of the reins and let life take its natural course.
And trust in ourselves and the knowledge that if things don’t work out “right” we can handle it.
Copyright © 2010 From The Easy Place
A Dreamer in a World of Thinkers
Posted by on June 1, 2010
Photo by h.koppdelaney via Flickr
I’m a dreamer. I live in my head. I love ideas, theories, concepts. I dwell in the intangible – I take pleasure in exploring the big unanswerable questions (why am I here?). I pursue knowledge, insight, soul-deep awareness. I immerse myself in what could be, I delight in the simmering potential available in the world.
In contrast, some of the people in my life are folks who love certainty, action, the here-and-now. I see them struggle to understand me, to make sense of what I’m saying, and I love them for it. As much as they don’t get me, as much as my quest for insight and awareness seems strange to them, they help me fill in my gaps with their sharp miss-nothing-remember-everything minds.
They would never say it but I know that sometimes they think I’m silly – I see the looks exchanged. And that’s ok, because in my world a thousand feet off the ground, I need their gravity. And they might not know it but in their world of feet planted firmly, they need the lightness of my dreams.
Copyright © 2010 From The Easy Place
It’s My Nature
Posted by on June 1, 2010
It’s my nature to sit back quietly at parties and chat with a few friends rather than mingle, and for much of my life this made me feel inadequate. I’d watch others mix easily at social gatherings and feel shy and self-conscious, like a teenager perched awkwardly at the edge of a high school dance. When I did make myself get out there and socialize, my conversation would become forced, my energy strained. At the end of the evening I’d be exhausted.
It wasn’t until I accepted the fact that I’m ok just the way I am that I discovered the pleasure in relaxing and allowing myself to simply be me. It was a relief to sit at a party with a chatty pair and simply be quiet, to listen without feeling pressured to interject my comments. I found that my stillness became yin to their yang; my calmness made room for their energy. My contribution to the conversation was space that gave my friends more room to speak.
When we work against our nature our efforts are spent trying to be something we’re not rather than growing and expanding our natural talents. The gifts we have to offer, the unique contributions that we’re meant to make in the world, become buried under the heavy weight of pretense.
It’s a relief now to walk into a gathering without the burden of expectations. To understand that I don’t need to be in the middle of the action to enjoy it. To realize that a quiet conversation is just as valuable as being the life of the party.
To know that I’m at my very best when I’m simply myself.
Copyright © 2010 From The Easy Place
