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The INFJ Coach
You Have the Right to Be Yourself
Category Archives: Goals
What Are You Saying No To When You Say Yes?
Posted by on July 8, 2011
A classic ice cream sundae, complete with a cherry on top (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Guest Post by Ben Dooley
I wonder what it would be like to say “NO” to saying “YES”.
And then say “YES” to saying “NO”.
See? Perhaps it’s really not that hard.
All right, so perhaps that’s helpful, maybe not.
A couple other things to consider is that for every NO there is a corresponding YES. And vice-versa.
If I say YES to eating that triple scoop sundae, then I’m clearly (though unconsciously) saying NO to that hourglass figure.
Most often our YESs and NOs are made automatically, unconsciously, habitually. Getting present to the choice can be powerful.
This can happen by cleanly exploring what you are REALLY choosing or not choosing. And to look at the gifts/consequences from BOTH sides. What is it that I’m REALLY saying YES and NO to?
If I say YES to the triple ice cream sundae, then I’m saying YES to my cravings. I’m saying YES to my instant gratification. I’m saying YES to my sweet tooth. I’m saying YES to having fun with my friends. I’m saying YES to perhaps gaining weight. I’m saying YES to getting a sugar rush late at night. I’m saying YES to feeling crappy in the morning. I’m saying YES to treating myself. Etc.
And also list all the NOs that come into play. I’m saying NO to my health. I’m saying NO to my integrity. I’m saying NO to my willpower. I’m saying NO to all the rules. I’m saying NO to my diet. I’m saying NO to feeling that I don’t deserve it.
Look for the “positive” and “negative” feelings that arise on both sides. Not all NOs are bad and all YESs are good. It’s the context they’re in and the meaning that we give them.
The other thing that this points to is not so much that we have a hard time saying NO, it’s that the YES may be automatic. By making a conscious and intentional YES, that can open the door to an empowered NO when appropriate.
So instead of learning how to say NO, perhaps we just need to learn how to powerfully say YES.
Ben Dooley is THE Confidence Coach.
Conquering Overwhelm
Posted by on June 17, 2011
Image by rightsandwrongs via Flickr
Overwhelm. That feeling that you can never catch up, that all those things you’re “supposed” to be doing will never get done.
Overwhelm comes up a lot with my coaching clients and recently it’s become a hot topic on the coaching bulletin board I subscribe to. It’s great seeing how other coaches define and deal with overwhelm, and, rather than try to rewrite what they’ve so beautifully written, I’ve included key points of the discussion below in their own words.
What drives overwhelm? According to Ben Dooley “Overwhelm is an ‘overwhelming’ issue with most of my clients of some sort. Physically overwhelmed or emotionally, overwhelmed in our time and schedule, overwhelmed in the demands made upon us, overwhelmed in our roles, overwhelmed in energy, and just about everything else.”
“And yes, I suspect that it’s in major part due to our societal beliefs and requirements,” Dooley continues. “Everything is getting faster and faster, we have to work more for less pay, we have to devote so much more time and energy to things in our lives just to keep a baseline.”
Andy Evans believes that it’s a symptom of the way we live today: “This goes right to the heart of modern urbanised and media driven societies. There are so many imperatives – go faster, do more, contact more people etc. etc. To really get to the heart of this it would be great to go for a big agenda of questioning all these imperatives. How necessary are they? What do they add to life? What do they add to happiness?”
“And at the same time discuss the whole idea of downsizing and simplifying life – what can go?” Andy writes. ”What could a simpler life bring in terms of health and happiness? But it’s a tragedy of modern ‘evolved’ societies that so many lives are trivialised by incessant and largely vacuous activities. As somebody remarked – ‘so much to talk about, so little to say’.”
Other coaches point out that overwhelm is a symptom of something deeper, according to Elizabeth Ellis it’s “some form of ‘insufficiency’ or ‘not enough’.” And Gail Gaspar believes that “overwhelm is an increasingly common struggle and its antidote is digging deeper to recognize what isn’t being said or acknowledged. It is about not feeling ‘enough’, about feeling ‘left out’, about the more, more, more that seems always out of grasp.”
“It is important to realize that OVERWHELM is not real,” Janet Valette writes. “It is a conversation that we have about the circumstances of our lives. Overwhelm is about what is happening all around the moment, what is coming up, what else there is to be doing, what didn’t happen in some other moment and how that means something. When one is truly in the moment, overwhelm is impossible.”
“I sense that people often default to what they call ‘overwhelm’ when they are not able to safely feel some of the bigger, deeper emotions that are present such as: fear, anger, rage, desperation, loneliness to name a few.” Valette continues. ”It is as if overwhelm is a more accepted place to be, rather than for people to express the more real feelings that are occurring. Can you imagine responding to someone’s question of “How are you doing?” by saying, ‘I’m feeling terrified!’”
Lydia Puhak sees overwhelm as a “symptom and a guide.” And, writes Ben Dooley, the best way to address it “is to recognize the pressure that’s building, and acknowledge the overall goal and end point, and then break it down to small simple steps. I’m talking about stupid simple steps. The difference between earning a million dollars and putting $.13 in your money jar. The difference between losing 50 pounds and cutting your dessert pie in half. The difference between running a marathon and just putting your running shoes on to go get the mail. the smaller the step, the easier it is to accomplish. And the easier it is to accomplish, the more gets accomplished. And the more that gets accomplished, the more proof accumulates that it “CAN” be done.”
Karl Albrecht works with his clients to identify a “bug list,” which he describes as a “simple itemization of all the things that are bugging them at the moment.” Albrecht writes that ”I’ve never found a person, however distressed, who could come up with as many as ten bugs, even stretching for relatively minor ones. Very often there are two or three really big issues, a couple of secondary ones, and some others that are just ‘nuisance’ level. Next step is to rate and prioritize the various bugs according to severity and/or urgency, or both. Next, I ask them to write beside each bug on the list, what the first one or two steps are that will start moving toward a solution.”
However, conquering overwhelm might be as simple as just taking time out of our busy schedule to relax a few minutes every day. Steve Mitten observes that ”The good news is that there is also some compelling research (Boyatzis) that shows that if someone only gets 10 minutes, twice a day, in any practice/activity that triggers the relaxation response, it can substantially reduce the impact of overwhelm/stress. (And there are a ton of common activities that have been shown to turn on the parasympathetic nerve system/relaxation response.)”
Or, maybe it’s just slowing down the speed of life and being in the moment. “I want to add my observation that a lot of what feels like “overwhelm” to me, and to my clients, turns out to be that voice in our heads that, as we are doing one thing, tries to keep track of all the things we are not doing in that moment.” writes Tasha Harmon. “And that not just keeps track of all that stuff, but tells us that we SHOULD be doing those other things, or, even if we shouldn’t exactly be doing them just now, we still need to not forget about them, and are we sure this is really what we want to be doing just now, and…
“I have been working with my clients (and in my own life, so I’ll phrase it that way) on allowing myself to focus on one thing at a time. Simply choosing, consciously, to prioritize the thing I am actually doing in the moment and releasing the background attention I too often pay to all the other things I could be doing instead creates a deep sense of calm, allows the flow state to emerge, and leaves me energized for taking on the next task once I complete the one I’m focusing on.”
Meeting Your Ideals Half-Way
Posted by on May 20, 2011
I love hearing from ya’ll out there, I’m constantly amazed at the spirit and depth of thought of the INFJs who I’ve connected with. The following is a guest post by Izzati, who has been a consistent and insightful contributor to the comments section of The INFJ Coach blog.
***
I wish that someday I could contribute to the creation of ‘’global villages’’ where empathy and emotional connections reach advanced stages. I wish that someday I could teach tolerance and tact on an international basis. I wish that someday I could inspire women to find their beauty and themselves even more.
INFJ’s tend to have high ideals which tend to be people related. My ideals are so big, is it realistic to think that I can achieve completion of those ideals? Only time can tell, and if I choose to only meet 100%, I will be disappointed. Some people believe that nothing is less painful than just meeting our ideal halfway, in other words; ‘’all or nothing.’’ But for me attaining even some level of fulfillment and meaning (yes, meaning, it is not exactly only a bogus or far-fetched term, for me it is real) would make my life worth living.
Here are a few practical guidelines that I think might be useful for anyone for achieving the ideals and ‘’meanings’’ that we want, even if only ‘halfway’ or ‘by a little’:
Identify Your Key Strengths
Identify what are your strong points, even if you can only think of one for the moment. For example, if your strength is in literature and you wish to help charities someday, think of how those things can be connected – for instance, you might write a book of poetry or an article dedicated to people in need someday.
Do Open Research
Do open research to find objectivity. I am not talking about ‘’objectivity’’ that is perceived by some as the view of relying solely on ‘facts’ from only a few research samples. I am talking about a more extensive approach, a willingness to be more open to the differing views of others, even if it means researching across multiple cultural contexts. I was surprised to find so many stories out there of people who had their dreams and miracles come true – open, rich qualitative data for research can be every bit as relevant as statistics or quantitative research.
For me, a key factor is communication. You might not agree with as many people as you would like, but extensive research in many avenues can be a life changing experience. After all, we do live based on our subjective experiences and beliefs, and what better to be more engaged with the external world than to learn more empathetically about other people’s subjective experiences? I believe that one way to know whether your ideals can work in any place in this world, is to allow yourself to ‘’look through other people’s windows of shared realities.’’
Consult with People You Trust
A number of people in your life may know your intentions in implementing some of your ideals and they may encourage you. If they want what is best for you, they will be willing to weigh the pros and cons of some of your dreams if you ask them. It is good if you can even find some of their interests that relate to your ideals.
Do Small Experiments
Do small experiments to decide how and whether your ideals can be useful or otherwise. For example, I mentioned about tolerance. Thus I sometimes wrote posts on the dangers of negative self fulfilling prophecies as well as labeling, and tested them out by asking for other people’s feedback. Being INFJ, I am aware that criticism can be a tough cookie, especially because of the ‘F’ we hold some values very dear to us. It helps to remember our own intentions and objectives even in the face of trials or arguments. A good intention is like a good seed.
People may say I would never be able to, for example, encourage higher levels of global empathy in 30 countries. However, I might be able to encourage some people to think about political change, to think that empathy should be included even in the socio-political landscape. Sometimes, regardless whether they can be achieved, what is most important is how you find yourself in the process of searching for the implementation of your ideals. Self discovery shapes your character and ultimately connects your internal world to the external world.
Izzati is a student and aspiring writer who wants to contribute greatly to politics someday.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #10 Find Your Higher Purpose
Posted by on May 6, 2011
Image via Wikipedia
It’s time to talk about the big picture – who we are in the world. While self-awareness and self-acceptance discussed in the first nine installments of this series are important, we also need to pay attention to our fundamental need for contribution. The desire to share our wisdom, values and grace with others can be a powerful force in our lives.
I spent much of my life vaguely aware that I was only part of who I was meant to be. My jobs most often utilized my N & J skills – I was a whiz at organizing, planning and making stuff happen. But the child I’d been, the “me” that loved helping others, the little girl who played rescue with her Barbies and built tiny homes for pill bugs, had been thrust aside. I was living in survival mode, and, in my desire to succeed in what often felt like a foreign world, I tended to ignore what was really important to me.
I believe that we are all put on this earth for a purpose. And each individual has been designed to be the perfect combination of life experience, curiosity, ambition, and awareness to fulfill that purpose. I call it my Higher Purpose but you should call it whatever works best for you.
At some level you already have a sense of your higher purpose, whether you’re fully aware of it or not. It’s an internal awareness – you can identify it by the zing of correctness you feel when you’re on target and by the discomfort and discord you feel when you’re off purpose. For many people our higher purpose never emerges as more than just a jumble of vague feelings – they’re happy when they’ve done “good” and feel embarrassed or unsatisfied when they’ve strayed.
I want more than that for you. I want you to get clear on what’s most important to you, and what impact you want to have on the world around you. I believe that to know our higher purpose, to accept it as such, and to seek to live it, whatever form it might take, is why we are on the earth.
Exercise: Mining For Your Higher Purpose
Already know your higher purpose? Great! Go ahead and skip to the next section. This exercise is for those of us who aren’t quite clear about it.
Often our higher purpose is right on the tip of our tongue, just out of sight. We kind of know what it might be, or we know the general category, but it’s still a foggy idea of something that will be great as soon as we figure it out.
Below are some questions that help you start to identify your higher purpose. Whatever it turns out to be, it comes from what’s important to you. It can be about the wrongs you want to right or change you want to bring about, or the beauty you want to contribute in the form of art or music. Its the pure expression of your unique combination of talent, insight and sense of what matters.
Mull over these questions in whatever way works best for you – jot your thoughts in your journal as they come to you or consider a new question each time you exercise.
- What did you want to be when you grew up? While our childhood answers might seem trite and conventional – we wanted to be firemen, ballerinas, or cowboys – even those answers contain information (we want to rescue people in danger, create beauty and grace, or have rough ‘n tumble adventures). At various times I wanted to run a post office, be a private detective and write books. What leaps out at me from my answer is a love for order, finding solutions and communication. What information can you extract from your childhood dreams?
- What are your “hot buttons”? When you look at our society what upsets you the most? I react to any form of bullying – from the tragic high school kids who are bullied into committing suicide to watching Donald Trump verbally abuse anyone who contradicts him. Our hot buttons tell us what’s important to us, what we feel needs to be changed.
- What comes up when you remove all the barriers? What would you do with your days if you had all the money, time and support you needed? If your perfect occupation was instantly available to you what would it be? So often the logistics of our lives get in the way that we spend our time in maintenance mode and never move into the stuff we planned to do when all the work was finished.
What Now?
Think you know your higher purpose? Here are some things to keep in mind when you decide what’s next:
- You don’t have to quit your job to pursue your life’s work. I have a friend who tutors illiterate adults on weekends, another who works for Habitat for Humanity whenever she can. It’s all about finding ways to fulfill your higher purpose where ever you are, not finding a place where it already exists. I was still employed when I started training to be a life coach so I tried to use my developing skills to help my co-workers deal with the outsourcing of our department.
- You don’t need to know how to do what you want to do, you just need to start. If you wait until you feel you’re ready, chances are you’ll never begin. When I was training to be a coach, we were encouraged to find clients after our very first class. We had to trust that we’d be ok, and we had to be willing to make mistakes. And even though I goofed up plenty I couldn’t have been that bad – I’m still working with several of those early clients.
- Living your higher purpose will make you uncomfortable sometimes. Any time we try something new we end up pushed out of our comfort zones in some way. We may end up having to talk to strangers, travel alone, maybe even make a speech to a room full of people! Creating the impact that we want to make in the world takes courage, resilience and persistence. Luckily, each of us already have those qualities available, all we have to do is use them. Feel like you’re not courageous? Take the next step by deciding to do something that takes courage and presto! you’re courageous. Just like that.
- Your higher purpose will change as you explore it. One thing I learned in coaching is that as we make progress toward our goals, our goals will continually change. As we learn what we need to know to succeed, our goals tend to become deeper and more meaningful. The same is true for your higher purpose – as you bring your passion into the world the world will reward you with more passion, which will fuel a deeper and richer purpose to pursue.
My Higher Purpose isto help everyone (including myself!) become more self-aware, self-accepting, and as confident as possible. Everything I write is about learning about who we really are, and then loving what we discover. And then simply being ourselves in the freest, biggest possible way.
My gift to you is my deepest and sincerest wish that you experience the beauty and power of who you really are deep down inside. And your gift to me has been your time spent reading and contributing to this blog.
This is the tenth installment in a series of weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
How to Impress Others
Posted by on February 25, 2011
Photo by beastmanphotos via Flickr
We all want to be smart, beautiful, magnetic. We want to impress others with our charm and intelligence. What’s the best way to dazzle those around us? It’s not what you might think.
First, a simple exercise. Make a list of five things you want others to think about you. Each item on the list should start with “I’d like others to think I’m…” Your list might include things like “loveable”, “intelligent” or “a leader”. Create your list now and don’t read any farther until you have at least five items on it.
Done? Now take a look at the items on your list – it’s likely that these are where you put a lot of your energy and focus. They are probably the areas you tend to stress about, that trigger your insecurities. My guess is that this is where you want to look good but feel that you don’t.
The problem is that wanting “others to think” you’re anything (fill in the blank – smart, cute, charismatic…) puts the focus on merely looking good. And when our efforts go into looking good we can end up convincing ourselves that looking good is equal to actually being good – believing that talking like an intellectual is the same as being intelligent (and who hasn’t found themselves with someone who loves to hear themselves talk as they try to impress others?)
But don’t throw away your list! It’s a valuable inventory of areas that are important to you, areas that you really do want to improve in your life. You can use that information to figure out where to put your efforts and energy to learn and grow.
Using the list you created, identify an action step for each item that will move you towards being good in the areas you care about.
For example using the list in the second paragraph one might work to:
- Become more loveable by building sincere connections with others
- Increase your knowledge by reading about an era in history you’re interested in, joining a book club or taking a class
- Learn leadership skills by asking someone seen as a leader to be your mentor
When we put our focus on merely looking good we often achieve the opposite effect. Plus, our efforts are usually surprisingly transparent to others, and we may waste valuable time and resources in trying to create what is, ultimately, an illusion. By focusing on improving our knowledge or skills in the areas that are important to us, we end up not only achieving more but we also end up looking good naturally and effortlessly.
What Do You Want?
Posted by on January 7, 2011
My friend Ann recently ended a 37 year teaching career and, to her chagrin, she’s not finding retirement much fun. She’s shocked at how hard it’s been to find something to fill her days, even though she’s gotten lots of well-meaning advice.
“One of my friends suggested I go back to teaching, but I don’t want to do that. Another suggested tutoring, but I don’t want to do that either. And I don’t want to just sit around at home and do nothing, it’s so boring. Another friend told me that I would get used to just relaxing, I just have to give it more time. But I feel like I should be doing something. And my art! I’m not interested in my pottery anymore, I thought when I retired I’d have plenty of time to work in my studio, but now I don’t want to!”
Yikes, it sounds like everyone Ann knows has weighed in on how she should be spending her retirement. But the only person that who knows what’s best for Ann is Ann herself.
Here’s how she can narrow down her options:
Step #1 – Clear out the “Shoulds”
Notice all the “shoulds” in what Ann said – she should do something, she should relax, she should teach, she should still want to do her art.
When you pile on the “shoulds” your thoughts and feelings get lost under all those other voices telling you what to do. Ann has so many shoulds that they cancel each other out – she should be relaxing, teaching and doing her art, all at the same time!
Step #2 – Narrow it down by staying broad
The next step is to start to identify what it might feel like if you already had what you want. If you imagine that you’re in the middle of doing whatever it is you want to do, in a general, non-specific way, you can begin to identify more specific information.
Start by pretending that you’ve already achieved your goal, whether it’s finding the perfect job, spouse, or fabulous vacation. Then ask yourself not what it is, but what it feels like. In Ann’s situation her questions might be:
- What does my body feel like? (I’m active, sitting, I can feel the wind, I’m warm and cozy, etc.)
- Where am I? (outside, inside, with people, alone, in an office, in nature, etc.)
- What type of activity am I engaged in? (helping people, making something, building something, writing, etc.)
- What emotions am I feeling (love and connection, freedom, silly, relaxed, in flow, etc.)
An example – If I’d answered these questions when I was figuring out that I wanted to be a Life Coach, my answers would have been something like:
I’m working alone, very relaxed, in a quiet, comfortable atmosphere. I’m helping people in some way, I’m writing, and maybe doing something artistic. I’m enjoying a sense of freedom at the ability to do my heart’s work. I’m challenging myself, but in ways that I choose rather than what others might choose for me.
Step #3 – Use your insights to start your search
Once you’ve figured out what your job/vacation/retirement activity feels like, you have the information you need to start identifying possibilities. You can use your list when you talk to friends and family and get suggestions based on what you want, not what they think you want. And you can use your list as criteria when you start evaluating your ideas.
***
It’s clear from what Ann said that she has a lot more information than she thinks she does. When we get rid of all her shoulds, what emerges is the beginning of a very specific and helpful list: Ann wants to DO SOMETHING (all caps, it’s not a trivial something she’s looking for), she wants to get out of her house, be active and engaged, and, clearly, she wants what she does to be new and different.
It’s easy to get caught up in what we think we should be doing, you can see by Ann’s story that when that happens progress can grind to a halt. But when we start our search by exploring what the outcome will feel like and then narrow down our options, we’re able to cut though the noise and get to the heart of our desires.
