Check Out My Latest!
Yep, I've got a store on Etsy selling gemstone jewelry. And because I love INFJ's, I'm offering a 5% discount especially for INFJs. Just use the coupon code 4INFJS when you make a purchase.
The INFJ Coach
You Have the Right to Be Yourself
Category Archives: INFJ
What Are You Saying No To When You Say Yes?
Posted by on July 8, 2011
A classic ice cream sundae, complete with a cherry on top (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Guest Post by Ben Dooley
I wonder what it would be like to say “NO” to saying “YES”.
And then say “YES” to saying “NO”.
See? Perhaps it’s really not that hard.
All right, so perhaps that’s helpful, maybe not.
A couple other things to consider is that for every NO there is a corresponding YES. And vice-versa.
If I say YES to eating that triple scoop sundae, then I’m clearly (though unconsciously) saying NO to that hourglass figure.
Most often our YESs and NOs are made automatically, unconsciously, habitually. Getting present to the choice can be powerful.
This can happen by cleanly exploring what you are REALLY choosing or not choosing. And to look at the gifts/consequences from BOTH sides. What is it that I’m REALLY saying YES and NO to?
If I say YES to the triple ice cream sundae, then I’m saying YES to my cravings. I’m saying YES to my instant gratification. I’m saying YES to my sweet tooth. I’m saying YES to having fun with my friends. I’m saying YES to perhaps gaining weight. I’m saying YES to getting a sugar rush late at night. I’m saying YES to feeling crappy in the morning. I’m saying YES to treating myself. Etc.
And also list all the NOs that come into play. I’m saying NO to my health. I’m saying NO to my integrity. I’m saying NO to my willpower. I’m saying NO to all the rules. I’m saying NO to my diet. I’m saying NO to feeling that I don’t deserve it.
Look for the “positive” and “negative” feelings that arise on both sides. Not all NOs are bad and all YESs are good. It’s the context they’re in and the meaning that we give them.
The other thing that this points to is not so much that we have a hard time saying NO, it’s that the YES may be automatic. By making a conscious and intentional YES, that can open the door to an empowered NO when appropriate.
So instead of learning how to say NO, perhaps we just need to learn how to powerfully say YES.
Ben Dooley is THE Confidence Coach.
Conquering Overwhelm
Posted by on June 17, 2011
Image by rightsandwrongs via Flickr
Overwhelm. That feeling that you can never catch up, that all those things you’re “supposed” to be doing will never get done.
Overwhelm comes up a lot with my coaching clients and recently it’s become a hot topic on the coaching bulletin board I subscribe to. It’s great seeing how other coaches define and deal with overwhelm, and, rather than try to rewrite what they’ve so beautifully written, I’ve included key points of the discussion below in their own words.
What drives overwhelm? According to Ben Dooley “Overwhelm is an ‘overwhelming’ issue with most of my clients of some sort. Physically overwhelmed or emotionally, overwhelmed in our time and schedule, overwhelmed in the demands made upon us, overwhelmed in our roles, overwhelmed in energy, and just about everything else.”
“And yes, I suspect that it’s in major part due to our societal beliefs and requirements,” Dooley continues. “Everything is getting faster and faster, we have to work more for less pay, we have to devote so much more time and energy to things in our lives just to keep a baseline.”
Andy Evans believes that it’s a symptom of the way we live today: “This goes right to the heart of modern urbanised and media driven societies. There are so many imperatives – go faster, do more, contact more people etc. etc. To really get to the heart of this it would be great to go for a big agenda of questioning all these imperatives. How necessary are they? What do they add to life? What do they add to happiness?”
“And at the same time discuss the whole idea of downsizing and simplifying life – what can go?” Andy writes. ”What could a simpler life bring in terms of health and happiness? But it’s a tragedy of modern ‘evolved’ societies that so many lives are trivialised by incessant and largely vacuous activities. As somebody remarked – ‘so much to talk about, so little to say’.”
Other coaches point out that overwhelm is a symptom of something deeper, according to Elizabeth Ellis it’s “some form of ‘insufficiency’ or ‘not enough’.” And Gail Gaspar believes that “overwhelm is an increasingly common struggle and its antidote is digging deeper to recognize what isn’t being said or acknowledged. It is about not feeling ‘enough’, about feeling ‘left out’, about the more, more, more that seems always out of grasp.”
“It is important to realize that OVERWHELM is not real,” Janet Valette writes. “It is a conversation that we have about the circumstances of our lives. Overwhelm is about what is happening all around the moment, what is coming up, what else there is to be doing, what didn’t happen in some other moment and how that means something. When one is truly in the moment, overwhelm is impossible.”
“I sense that people often default to what they call ‘overwhelm’ when they are not able to safely feel some of the bigger, deeper emotions that are present such as: fear, anger, rage, desperation, loneliness to name a few.” Valette continues. ”It is as if overwhelm is a more accepted place to be, rather than for people to express the more real feelings that are occurring. Can you imagine responding to someone’s question of “How are you doing?” by saying, ‘I’m feeling terrified!’”
Lydia Puhak sees overwhelm as a “symptom and a guide.” And, writes Ben Dooley, the best way to address it “is to recognize the pressure that’s building, and acknowledge the overall goal and end point, and then break it down to small simple steps. I’m talking about stupid simple steps. The difference between earning a million dollars and putting $.13 in your money jar. The difference between losing 50 pounds and cutting your dessert pie in half. The difference between running a marathon and just putting your running shoes on to go get the mail. the smaller the step, the easier it is to accomplish. And the easier it is to accomplish, the more gets accomplished. And the more that gets accomplished, the more proof accumulates that it “CAN” be done.”
Karl Albrecht works with his clients to identify a “bug list,” which he describes as a “simple itemization of all the things that are bugging them at the moment.” Albrecht writes that ”I’ve never found a person, however distressed, who could come up with as many as ten bugs, even stretching for relatively minor ones. Very often there are two or three really big issues, a couple of secondary ones, and some others that are just ‘nuisance’ level. Next step is to rate and prioritize the various bugs according to severity and/or urgency, or both. Next, I ask them to write beside each bug on the list, what the first one or two steps are that will start moving toward a solution.”
However, conquering overwhelm might be as simple as just taking time out of our busy schedule to relax a few minutes every day. Steve Mitten observes that ”The good news is that there is also some compelling research (Boyatzis) that shows that if someone only gets 10 minutes, twice a day, in any practice/activity that triggers the relaxation response, it can substantially reduce the impact of overwhelm/stress. (And there are a ton of common activities that have been shown to turn on the parasympathetic nerve system/relaxation response.)”
Or, maybe it’s just slowing down the speed of life and being in the moment. “I want to add my observation that a lot of what feels like “overwhelm” to me, and to my clients, turns out to be that voice in our heads that, as we are doing one thing, tries to keep track of all the things we are not doing in that moment.” writes Tasha Harmon. “And that not just keeps track of all that stuff, but tells us that we SHOULD be doing those other things, or, even if we shouldn’t exactly be doing them just now, we still need to not forget about them, and are we sure this is really what we want to be doing just now, and…
“I have been working with my clients (and in my own life, so I’ll phrase it that way) on allowing myself to focus on one thing at a time. Simply choosing, consciously, to prioritize the thing I am actually doing in the moment and releasing the background attention I too often pay to all the other things I could be doing instead creates a deep sense of calm, allows the flow state to emerge, and leaves me energized for taking on the next task once I complete the one I’m focusing on.”
3 Steps to Confidence
Posted by on June 10, 2011
Most of my life I’ve struggled with confidence and I hear the same from other INFJs. Over the years I’ve watched people who appeared confident and worked to figure out what makes them tick. What I finally realized is that self-assurance isn’t some kind of inborn magic that only a lucky few have. It’s a specific mind set, a perspective that anyone can learn.
Here are 3 steps that will help start you on the path to confidence:
1. Stop worrying about what other people think of you
Self-consciousness, worrying about what others will think, is an instant confidence drainer. People who are confident don’t stress if they’re under-dressed for a party or if people don’t agree with them. Confident people own who they are and don’t care if they’re different. They don’t get upset every time they goof up and if someone doesn’t like them they don’t agonize over it, they just shrug and move on.
2. Be yourself
Imagine a shy person at a party, shrinking back in a corner, obviously worried that no one will talk to them. Now imagine that person sitting comfortably in that same corner, but they are relaxed and are enjoying just sitting quietly and watching the activities around them. The first person is clearly insecure and anxious, the second comes across as relaxed and confident. The difference between the two is that the second person accepts their quietness and just enjoys their experience of the party, the first resists who they naturally are and thinks they should be different.
It’s interesting, once we really step in to our natural preferences, they stop feeling like problems and become interesting. Once I embraced the fact that I remember experiences rather than facts, I was no longer embarrassed that I forgot details and started enjoying my ability to replay the feeling of the sunny day or the joy expressed by the bride at her wedding.
3. Focus on living a rich life rather than impressing others
You want to be beautiful/handsome, interesting, exciting and magnetic? The good news is that you have everything you need to be all those things. Beauty? It’s found in a relaxed smile, enthusiasm and personal style (think of the charismatic appeal of Adrian Brody, who’s exuberant personality makes him attractive, crooked nose and all). You want to be interesting and exciting? You’re both when you’re discussing areas that are obviously fascinating to you, areas that you’ve explored and spent time delving into (check out the engaging and compelling Benjamin Zander on TED. I don’t care a thing about piano playing but I was riveted when I saw this little talk).
In other words, the more you focus on who you are in the world, on learning, growing and connecting with others, the more attractive and confident you’ll feel.
Sure, there are people who are born with confidence. They don’t often struggle with shyness and insecurity. But confidence is less about personality and more about self-acceptance. People who are confident aren’t focused on their flaws, they’re focused on living life. Rather than asking “Will this person like me?” they ask “What’s this person like?” When they make a faux pax they apologize and move on. They enjoy who they are, idiosyncracies and all, because they know that their uniqueness is what makes them special.
INFJs – Surviving a Toxic Work Environment
Posted by on May 27, 2011
Photo: Getty
For eighteen years I worked for a company that valued Extroversion, Sensing and Thinking. As an INFJ I sometimes felt like I was on a battlefield. Fortunately Judging skills were also considered important, which was the only reason I was able to succeed.
I suspect that this is a trap many INFJs get into – we’re hired for our skills at organizing, streamlining work processes and getting things done, only to find that we’ve ended up in a job that wreaks havoc with our sensitivity.
While it’s not ideal, we can survive in an workplace that’s not compatible with our types.
Here are some tactics:
Recognize That You Are Different
Every company has its own personality and preferences. If the company I worked for had been a person I think it would have been an ESTJ. Social skills, data, analytical thinking and execution were highly prized, while reticence, a process-orientation and sensitivity were seen as weaknesses. Which explains why I was most successful in positions where my “J” skills were emphasized. And why I often felt that my feelings were trampled on.
In this type of environment self-acceptance becomes especially important if you are an INFJ. You need to realize that, yes, you are different, and that’s ok. And while you can learn many of the skills that ESTP/Js have there will be times you won’t be able to excel in the areas that your company values. You need to allow yourself to be who you are and don’t try to fit in with the corporate “type.”
Accept the Results of Being Different
There was a point where my career seemed to top out – no matter what I did I couldn’t get promoted past a certain level. During that period the buzz word at my company was “leadership” which our management equated with the ability to make group presentations confidently (I kid you not – it didn’t take much more than an energetic speech and some flashy handouts to get ahead). While I was comfortable presenting material that I was passionate about to an interested group, I failed miserably at the “dog-and-pony” type presentations to large groups who were focused on critiquing my speaking style. I’m convinced that this stunted my career.
Which, looking back, is fine with me.
The corporate philosophy that we should focus on our “improvement areas” implies that with enough work we can excel even where we don’t have aptitude. And while I probably could have eventually learned to be comfortable speaking in front of a hostile group if I’d worked hard enough, I didn’t really want to. I had no interest in learning to act like an ESTJ, I wanted to learn to be the best INFJ possible. That meant that in my current career there were some areas where I simply would not excel. I had to accept the fact that I’d probably get a mediocre score or two on my performance review and that I wasn’t always going to be a star.
Part of staying in an environment where we’re not in our element is accepting that we’re not going to be able to achieve our fullest potential there. And that’s ok. We don’t always need to get the “A”, a hard earned ”B” or even “C” can sometimes be just as good. And when we find ourselves in this position there is still much to be learned. We can take advantage of where we are to practice our “opposites” and learn new skills to help us succeed in our next job.
Figure Out What You Need to Be Successful and Ask For It
I used to work in a small group that had to sign off on the specifics for technical projects. There were three of us and, as a group, it took us some time to process the details of the projects. However we’d always find ourselves in meetings being asked for approvals on the spot. Our pattern was to approve whatever it was in the meeting, go back to our offices and discuss it, then come back to the group and un-approve it. As you can imagine, this didn’t work out very well.
Eventually I figured out that even though we were expected to come up with a decision at the meeting, this wasn’t practical. I learned to push back and ask for more time, regardless of the pressure we were under to decide at that moment. After that we were able to make thoughtful decisions that stuck.
There are times when you don’t have to adjust yourself to fit your job. You don’t always have to do things the way they’re always done, you don’t even have to do things the way others want them done. You are part of the process, if you need to make changes so that you can be effective, it’s up to you to make them.
Create Your Own Environment
Many workplaces can seem hostile, but we create our own environment. Whether you have an office, a cubicle or a desk, there is an area that you can make your own. Music, small family pictures, even a screensaver of a favorite vacation spot can bring you back to center.
And get out as often as you can. I used to take my lunch to a sunny park near my office and sit alone and read for an hour. Often it was the high point of my day, even now I feel the rush of peace when I visit that park.
Don’t Take Any of It Personally
I have had some terrible bosses over the years. A couple were the meanest and most self-serving people I’d ever met, and one was so incompetent that he had me write emails for him. And I won’t lie, I took it all personally. I hated them, hated my job, hated my life.
But now that I’ve left it all behind I realize that all that emotion was simply junk, a bunch of turmoil over nothing. Even the worst people you deal with are, at some level, aware of their limitations. The bullies are mean out of fear, and even if they don’t seem to know it, those incompetent bosses and co-workers are aware, deep down inside, that they aren’t up to the job and live lives full of anxiety.
And none of it is really about you. All that bad behavior happens because of lack – your boss might lack skill, or awareness, or even humanity, but, bottom line, it’s about them.
Balance Your Work Life with the Rest of Your Life
You are not your job, and your job is not your life. If you find yourself in a work environment that doesn’t support you, it’s especially important to make sure that the rest of your life is engaging and fulfilling. This is the time to pick up that hobby you’ve been talking about, make time to play with the kids after work, or get busy on the book you’ve been writing in your head.
Meeting Your Ideals Half-Way
Posted by on May 20, 2011
I love hearing from ya’ll out there, I’m constantly amazed at the spirit and depth of thought of the INFJs who I’ve connected with. The following is a guest post by Izzati, who has been a consistent and insightful contributor to the comments section of The INFJ Coach blog.
***
I wish that someday I could contribute to the creation of ‘’global villages’’ where empathy and emotional connections reach advanced stages. I wish that someday I could teach tolerance and tact on an international basis. I wish that someday I could inspire women to find their beauty and themselves even more.
INFJ’s tend to have high ideals which tend to be people related. My ideals are so big, is it realistic to think that I can achieve completion of those ideals? Only time can tell, and if I choose to only meet 100%, I will be disappointed. Some people believe that nothing is less painful than just meeting our ideal halfway, in other words; ‘’all or nothing.’’ But for me attaining even some level of fulfillment and meaning (yes, meaning, it is not exactly only a bogus or far-fetched term, for me it is real) would make my life worth living.
Here are a few practical guidelines that I think might be useful for anyone for achieving the ideals and ‘’meanings’’ that we want, even if only ‘halfway’ or ‘by a little’:
Identify Your Key Strengths
Identify what are your strong points, even if you can only think of one for the moment. For example, if your strength is in literature and you wish to help charities someday, think of how those things can be connected – for instance, you might write a book of poetry or an article dedicated to people in need someday.
Do Open Research
Do open research to find objectivity. I am not talking about ‘’objectivity’’ that is perceived by some as the view of relying solely on ‘facts’ from only a few research samples. I am talking about a more extensive approach, a willingness to be more open to the differing views of others, even if it means researching across multiple cultural contexts. I was surprised to find so many stories out there of people who had their dreams and miracles come true – open, rich qualitative data for research can be every bit as relevant as statistics or quantitative research.
For me, a key factor is communication. You might not agree with as many people as you would like, but extensive research in many avenues can be a life changing experience. After all, we do live based on our subjective experiences and beliefs, and what better to be more engaged with the external world than to learn more empathetically about other people’s subjective experiences? I believe that one way to know whether your ideals can work in any place in this world, is to allow yourself to ‘’look through other people’s windows of shared realities.’’
Consult with People You Trust
A number of people in your life may know your intentions in implementing some of your ideals and they may encourage you. If they want what is best for you, they will be willing to weigh the pros and cons of some of your dreams if you ask them. It is good if you can even find some of their interests that relate to your ideals.
Do Small Experiments
Do small experiments to decide how and whether your ideals can be useful or otherwise. For example, I mentioned about tolerance. Thus I sometimes wrote posts on the dangers of negative self fulfilling prophecies as well as labeling, and tested them out by asking for other people’s feedback. Being INFJ, I am aware that criticism can be a tough cookie, especially because of the ‘F’ we hold some values very dear to us. It helps to remember our own intentions and objectives even in the face of trials or arguments. A good intention is like a good seed.
People may say I would never be able to, for example, encourage higher levels of global empathy in 30 countries. However, I might be able to encourage some people to think about political change, to think that empathy should be included even in the socio-political landscape. Sometimes, regardless whether they can be achieved, what is most important is how you find yourself in the process of searching for the implementation of your ideals. Self discovery shapes your character and ultimately connects your internal world to the external world.
Izzati is a student and aspiring writer who wants to contribute greatly to politics someday.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #10 Find Your Higher Purpose
Posted by on May 6, 2011
Image via Wikipedia
It’s time to talk about the big picture – who we are in the world. While self-awareness and self-acceptance discussed in the first nine installments of this series are important, we also need to pay attention to our fundamental need for contribution. The desire to share our wisdom, values and grace with others can be a powerful force in our lives.
I spent much of my life vaguely aware that I was only part of who I was meant to be. My jobs most often utilized my N & J skills – I was a whiz at organizing, planning and making stuff happen. But the child I’d been, the “me” that loved helping others, the little girl who played rescue with her Barbies and built tiny homes for pill bugs, had been thrust aside. I was living in survival mode, and, in my desire to succeed in what often felt like a foreign world, I tended to ignore what was really important to me.
I believe that we are all put on this earth for a purpose. And each individual has been designed to be the perfect combination of life experience, curiosity, ambition, and awareness to fulfill that purpose. I call it my Higher Purpose but you should call it whatever works best for you.
At some level you already have a sense of your higher purpose, whether you’re fully aware of it or not. It’s an internal awareness – you can identify it by the zing of correctness you feel when you’re on target and by the discomfort and discord you feel when you’re off purpose. For many people our higher purpose never emerges as more than just a jumble of vague feelings – they’re happy when they’ve done “good” and feel embarrassed or unsatisfied when they’ve strayed.
I want more than that for you. I want you to get clear on what’s most important to you, and what impact you want to have on the world around you. I believe that to know our higher purpose, to accept it as such, and to seek to live it, whatever form it might take, is why we are on the earth.
Exercise: Mining For Your Higher Purpose
Already know your higher purpose? Great! Go ahead and skip to the next section. This exercise is for those of us who aren’t quite clear about it.
Often our higher purpose is right on the tip of our tongue, just out of sight. We kind of know what it might be, or we know the general category, but it’s still a foggy idea of something that will be great as soon as we figure it out.
Below are some questions that help you start to identify your higher purpose. Whatever it turns out to be, it comes from what’s important to you. It can be about the wrongs you want to right or change you want to bring about, or the beauty you want to contribute in the form of art or music. Its the pure expression of your unique combination of talent, insight and sense of what matters.
Mull over these questions in whatever way works best for you – jot your thoughts in your journal as they come to you or consider a new question each time you exercise.
- What did you want to be when you grew up? While our childhood answers might seem trite and conventional – we wanted to be firemen, ballerinas, or cowboys – even those answers contain information (we want to rescue people in danger, create beauty and grace, or have rough ‘n tumble adventures). At various times I wanted to run a post office, be a private detective and write books. What leaps out at me from my answer is a love for order, finding solutions and communication. What information can you extract from your childhood dreams?
- What are your “hot buttons”? When you look at our society what upsets you the most? I react to any form of bullying – from the tragic high school kids who are bullied into committing suicide to watching Donald Trump verbally abuse anyone who contradicts him. Our hot buttons tell us what’s important to us, what we feel needs to be changed.
- What comes up when you remove all the barriers? What would you do with your days if you had all the money, time and support you needed? If your perfect occupation was instantly available to you what would it be? So often the logistics of our lives get in the way that we spend our time in maintenance mode and never move into the stuff we planned to do when all the work was finished.
What Now?
Think you know your higher purpose? Here are some things to keep in mind when you decide what’s next:
- You don’t have to quit your job to pursue your life’s work. I have a friend who tutors illiterate adults on weekends, another who works for Habitat for Humanity whenever she can. It’s all about finding ways to fulfill your higher purpose where ever you are, not finding a place where it already exists. I was still employed when I started training to be a life coach so I tried to use my developing skills to help my co-workers deal with the outsourcing of our department.
- You don’t need to know how to do what you want to do, you just need to start. If you wait until you feel you’re ready, chances are you’ll never begin. When I was training to be a coach, we were encouraged to find clients after our very first class. We had to trust that we’d be ok, and we had to be willing to make mistakes. And even though I goofed up plenty I couldn’t have been that bad – I’m still working with several of those early clients.
- Living your higher purpose will make you uncomfortable sometimes. Any time we try something new we end up pushed out of our comfort zones in some way. We may end up having to talk to strangers, travel alone, maybe even make a speech to a room full of people! Creating the impact that we want to make in the world takes courage, resilience and persistence. Luckily, each of us already have those qualities available, all we have to do is use them. Feel like you’re not courageous? Take the next step by deciding to do something that takes courage and presto! you’re courageous. Just like that.
- Your higher purpose will change as you explore it. One thing I learned in coaching is that as we make progress toward our goals, our goals will continually change. As we learn what we need to know to succeed, our goals tend to become deeper and more meaningful. The same is true for your higher purpose – as you bring your passion into the world the world will reward you with more passion, which will fuel a deeper and richer purpose to pursue.
My Higher Purpose isto help everyone (including myself!) become more self-aware, self-accepting, and as confident as possible. Everything I write is about learning about who we really are, and then loving what we discover. And then simply being ourselves in the freest, biggest possible way.
My gift to you is my deepest and sincerest wish that you experience the beauty and power of who you really are deep down inside. And your gift to me has been your time spent reading and contributing to this blog.
This is the tenth installment in a series of weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #9 Stop Trying to Control the World
Posted by on April 29, 2011
Don’t you just love it? That feeling that everything is going as it should? In my blog post The Illusion of Control I talk about how we fool ourselves into thinking we’ve got things under control.
As “J”s we have a natural desire to arrange circumstances, correct problems, make sure that things run smoothly. Add our “F” energy to that, all that mushy desire to make sure everyone is happy, and we can end up really overdoing it.
It feels good from our end, arranging things for other folks, but I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not fun to be on the other end of that energy. When I was growing up my father used to decide what was best for me and then badger me endlessly until I did things his way. I’ve never felt more disempowered and small than I did after giving in to his pressure.
I talked about defining and protecting your boundaries a few weeks ago, but my topic today is about identifying and respecting the boundaries of others. Because, really, the only person we need to control in life is ourselves. The only circumstances we are entitled to arrange are our own circumstances. The people in our lives have their own approach to solving problems and if they need our help they’ll ask for it. And yes, we can organize the heck out of committees, events and special occasions, but the only way we can make sure we’re not overrunning everyone else is to ask permission and accept the answer.
Exercise: Practice Letting Go
This exercise requires that you step out of your routine and pay attention to your assumptions. This can be difficult for an INFJ, there is often an inherent feeling of correctness to our opinions, they can feel so right that we forget there are other perspectives. You can overcome this “assumption of correctness” by stepping out of your personal perspective and taking on the perspective of an “observer self.” As an observer self, you become neutral, watching yourself interact with others as if you’re watching a movie.
- Over the next week, start paying attention to the small decisions you make where you assume that your way, or the way it’s always been done, is correct. These are the little things, like making the assumption that you and your friend will always have lunch at your favorite restaurant, automatically planning to arrive at a movie 20 minutes early, assuming that you and your neighbor will walk at the same time every day (these are all, by the way, examples from my life).
- Start letting the other person decide. Check in with them to see if they want something different. A casual way to do this is to say something like “We always go to lunch at Scotty’s, would you like to try someplace else?” or “What time would it work best for you to leave for the movies? If you’re in a group and plans are being made, try staying quiet and let the group make the decisions without your input.
- For each experience ask yourself the following:
- What was it like to give up control? Uncomfortable? Scary? Or was it freeing, a relief?
- What was the outcome of the new decision? Did things work out worse, better or the same?
- How did the other person/people respond to being consulted or making the decision?
- What did you learn?
Exercise: Who Do You Want To Be?
Who do you want to be when the time for decisions to be made? Think about your role in your family, friends and co-workers lives and design a set of rules for where you want your limits to be. By deciding before the fact you’re more likely to be aware as you navigate through this tricky terrain.
As an example, here are my rules:
- Don’t try to “fix” anything for my adult daughter. This means that if even if I see her struggling with something I don’t jump in with a solution unless asked. Letting other adults work out their own issues is a sign of respect, not neglect.
- When I’m planning something as part of a group:
- Voice my opinion as an opinion, not as a declaration of the way things should be.
- Listen to the suggestions of others openly, recognizing that their ideas might be better than mine.
- Step back from the desire that everything be planned, stop worrying about what might happen and just let it happen, knowing that I can handle whatever comes up.
- Ask for permission before planning, “fixing” or taking over someone else’s effort.
- Take “No” for an answer.
- Recognize the fact that just because I think my ideas are right doesn’t mean that they really are.
This is the ninth installment in a series of 10 weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #7 Seek Approval From Within
Posted by on April 15, 2011
Image by AJ Brustein via Flickr
I spent some time reading an INFJ online bulletin board and was surprised and embarrassed at how many of the posts just shrieked “poor me!” It showed up over and over again – ”nobody appreciates me!” “I’m so sensitive!” “he did this to me, she did that…!”
I was surprised both by the quantity of the complaints and by the fact that the people posting them seemed to feel so victimized.
However I was embarrassed because they sounded startlingly similar to the whining that often is going on in my own head.
Which made me realize that all that complaining is pretty unappealing. Even though it’s true that INFJs are sometimes overlooked and underappreciated, it doesn’t benefit us to focus on it. In order to reach our full potential in life we need to stop seeking external validation. We need to accept the fact that our power is subtle, our passion is quiet, and our strength is internal.
We need to stop relying on the approval of others to feel good about ourselves.
It’s not as hard as you might think:
Create an internal measure of validation – Identify your own values, what’s important to you, and determine the worth of your actions based on those. If you’re passionate about helping others then your work tutoring illiterate adults is priceless, no matter what anyone says or doesn’t say. And if you get some praise for it, that’s nice, but stay connected with the fact that helping someone is what’s important, getting external recognition is a perk.
Celebrate your accomplishments – Don’t wait for someone else to acknowledge your triumphs, do it yourself. Just finished the first draft of your book? Treat yourself to a day off where you can do whatever you want. Had the courage to take on a tough assignment at work? Buy yourself a new leather portfolio to help you feel a touch more professional at the meetings you’ll be attending. By acknowledging your own successes you’re not only recognizing the value of your work, you’re also reducing your reliance on others’ approval.
Understand that you can still be right even if no one else agrees with you – There are times when I just know I’m right about something and no one around me will acknowledge it. When that happens it can feel like my knowledge doesn’t mean anything because no one else sees it. I suspect that most INFJs encounter this – our insights are often so subtle that they can appear to have been pulled out of thin air to our less intuitive companions.
You’ll always be frustrated until you accept the simple fact that sometimes you’ll know more than the people around you. Again, it’s about understanding that your wisdom is solid, deep, and enough. You don’t need the recognition of others to confirm that you know what you know.
My coach once called me a “silent warrior” and that resonated with me. I think that is a great way to look at the internal power, insight and strength that INFJs carry with them.
Exercise: Identify Your Values
One of the best ways to determine the value of your actions is to make sure you have a clear understanding of your values.
- Make a list of the things that are most important in your life (aside from your basic needs such as food, clothing, etc). My list, for example, would include the following: loyal friends that I can laugh with, time with my daughter, finding the best way for me to help others people, my home, reading, doing work that matters, creating something meaningful, and learning.
- Review your list with an eye towards looking for your values – they should be easy to spot. The values that come out of my list are: friendship, laughter, family, helping others, nesting, reading & learning, creativity and contribution.
- Keep a list of your values and make it a living document – mature it by adding other areas as you notice them. Use it when making decisions and compare how you spend your time with what’s on your list.
This is the seventh installment in a series of 10 weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #6 Stay Connected To the World
Posted by on April 8, 2011
Image by Haags Uitburo via Flickr
INFJs are typically pretty internal folks. As Charles R. Martin states in the book Looking at Type: The Fundamentals, “For INFJs the dominant quality in their lives is their attention to the inner world of possibilities, ideas, and symbols.” And with this internal focus we can sometimes lose touch with what’s going on with the people around us. We might think that our desire for interpersonal harmony would balance this out, but that desire often just makes us more anxious and even more internally focused.
Here are a few ways to turn that focus outward:
Be aware of your impact on others - There is a woman who contributes to an online coaching bulletin board who drives me crazy. Her posts, which are often are overly long, typically contain words and concepts that the rest of us don’t understand. She loves to lecture on theory, and can get snippy when she’s crossed (and yes, she’s an INFJ).
I suspect that if you asked her, she’d say that she’s viewed as highly intelligent, skillful as a coach, and maybe a little feisty when someone oversteps. Unfortunately, it’s obvious that many people on the bulletin board see her as an arrogant know-it-all, who’s also a bit nasty.
What’s sad is that she’s probably a very nice person who is unaware of her impact on others. And what gets lost in all her noise is the fact that her posts frequently contain excellent advice for new coaches, and she often is able to ground discussions that have gotten out of hand with clarity and common sense.
Give people the benefit of the doubt – We (everyone, not just INFJs) tend to fill in the blanks. When we don’t have full information about others we tend to make up facts to complete the story. Then we act as if our story is true.
The key here is to remember that we don’t know everything about other people, even those closest to us. When accept this and stop assuming we know it all, suddenly the grumpy guy up the street becomes a mystery (why is he so sad?), the annoyingly clinging friend gets our compassion (I wonder what her family life is like?), and we recognize that there’s probably a story behind that angry co-worker.
Take up your space but only your space – the womanfrom the bulletin board that I wrote about earlier is a perfect example of someone taking up too much space (both figuratively and literally). If she paid attention to how long others’ posts are, and that they typically offered advice rather than extended monologues about theory, she would realize that she was out of step with the majority of the participants. If she adjusted her posts to fit in with the rest of the bulletin board I suspect that she would be seen as a valuable contributor.
The same is true for all conversations, both in-person and virtual. Think about the Facebook over-posters, we can’t hide them quickly enough! Or the person who dominates a conversation with an endless monologue about themselves, punctuating it with questions that are seemingly about us but are really just about topics they want to shift to.
However, INFJs also need to be aware of the flip side – we also want to make sure not to take up too little space in our dealings with others. Don’t stay quiet when it’s your time to speak, don’t hide your light in deference to others.
Exercise: Explore Your Impact
Over the next week use the tactics below to assess your impact on others. At the end of each day jot down what you’ve learned and what changes you’d like to make in your behavior.
- Ask questions – the easiest way to find out how you’re perceived is to ask someone you trust about how they see you. Keep the subject bite-sized by asking about a specific event rather than a general question (i.e. Ask “Did I seem oversensitive with that woman back there?” rather than “Do you think I’m too sensitive?”)
- Pay attention – When you’re in a conversation, look, listen and receive rather than just sending. Notice if the other person looks interested or bored, listen to their responses to check in on how the exchange is going, use your intuition to get a feel for the vibe of the conversation. And if your antenna picks up something negative, ask about it with a simple question like “Am I going into too much detail?”
- Put yourself in their shoes – INFJs like to share and can often do it too much. Sometimes when I’m ready to launch into a story about my day, or a review of my opinion about something, I’ll ask myself “Will this be interesting to the person I’m talking to? Would I want to hear about this from someone else?” The answer is often “No, it’s actually pretty boring!”
This is the sixth installment in a series of 10 weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life: #5 Protect Your Heart
Posted by on April 1, 2011
I’ve said it before – one of the best things about being an F is how tender-hearted we are. And one of the hardest things about being an F is how tender-hearted we are!
Like most F’s I seek harmony. And when one of my friends or loved ones is in a bad mood it’s really difficult not take it personally. My natural tendency is to make it about myself – “What did I do?” or “Why is he being so mean to me?” But this is a form of self-absorption: we’re focused on our reaction, on how we feel, rather than what’s happening with the other person. We need to shift the question from “Why is he picking on me?” to “What’s going on with him that’s upset him so much?”
Some Tips for Dealing with Others’ Upsets
Don’t take it personally - When someone else is upset, it’s about them, not you. Even if they lash out at you or blame you – remember that everyone loses perspective when they’re distraught. Keep your cool and give them the gift of your compassion.
Don’t try to fix or soothe them – you can’t - Telling someone the “look at the bright side” or to “feel better” doesn’t do anything except negate what they’re feeling. You can provide a safe and nurturing space for someone who’s upset by just listening and encouraging them to talk about how they feel.
Watch out for perennial victims - I used to work with a woman who always focused on the worst aspect of any situation. When she started a new job she’d immediately identify who “hated” her. Every setback was a disaster, every problem was the worst thing she’d ever dealt with. For years I rode these ups and downs with her, worrying about her latest insolvable problem or dysfunctional relationship. I finally recognized that her life was spent moving from trauma to trauma. I learned to provide a sympathetic ear and bits of feedback when I thought she could handle it, but I stopped getting sucked in to the drama of it all.
Avoid taking on their pain - Your compassion helps, your hurting along with the other person doesn’t. This also goes for all the painful input out there – TV news coverage of disasters or violence, commercials showing abused animals, even graphic movies or TV shows. Staying whole will enable you to use your compassion and caring to fuel contributions to solutions, taking on others’ pain will only weaken and distract you.
I know, all this is easier said than done. But it benefits everyone when you can provide a supportive, calm and grounded environment when someone close to you is upset – I like to think of it as giving the gift of being strong when they’re at their weakest.
Exercise: Who Owns This Problem?
Like the 6 Questions in Manage Those Pesky Emotions, you can use a few of questions to explore the emotions around interpersonal upsets. When you find yourself dealing with an upsetting situation, ask yourself:
- Who owns this problem? The person who is impacted by the problem is the owner, not you. In the example above, my friend’s problems belongs solely to her, in no way should they become my problems. The only exception to this is when the other person is a child or a defenseless creature – then ownership is shared by everyone.
- Have I contributed to the problem?
If the answer is “yes” the question then becomes: What can I do to make it right? (and it’s often as simple as apologizing)
If the answer is ”no” the question then becomes: Do I want to help and is it appropriate for me to do so? - What do I want my involvement to be? Make sure that if and how you help is your decision. You should always have final say on how much you want to help, and what contribution you are willing to make.
This is the fifth installment in a series of 10 weekly articles about making the most of being an INFJ. For previous articles visit 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.
