You know it, that flare of anger, that feeling of “I HAVE to say something, NOW!” I know it well, it’s been the precursor to many of my most inappropriate outbreaks of temper.
Our “F” energy puts us squarely in the middle of the emotion of any situation. INFJs are easily hurt, and in reaction we can end up hurting others. But we don’t have to be at the mercy of our feelings, we can learn to recognize them and control ourselves until we can rationally consider the situation.
Here’s how I do it:
The First Step – Stop!
Unless you are faced with a truly dangerous situation, feeling the simmer of anger or hurt should always be a signal to stop and take stock. When you feel yourself getting emotional, the first things to remember is, if at all possible, do not react! When we’re in this state our perception is off and our judgment is impaired – these are the times that we say and do things we regret later. What makes it more difficult is when our emotions are engaged we often feel that we urgently must say something, now! The combination of emotionality and a feeling of urgency is a clear tip-off that you need to step back and assess the situation.
The 6 Questions
Once I’ve refrained from reacting, I use what I call the “6 Questions” to sort fact from fiction:
- What are the bare facts of the situation? (Don’t include emotional information or impact)
- What am I telling myself about it?
- What’s the fear (or hurt)?
- Is there something I can ask someone to find out if my perception of the situation is correct?
- Using information from the questions above, what is a realistic assessment of the situation?
- What is important here?
To help you understand how the process works, here’s an example from my life:
My friend Michael was coming into town for a class on a Friday and was planning to stay at my house. I’d assumed that he was flying in on Thursday afternoon and was prepared to pick him up at that time. On Wednesday evening he called me and told me that he’d decided to take a flight that got in at 8:30 Thursday morning and asked if I would be available to pick him up. My reaction was “What?? Oh no!! I have plans for the morning through lunch – I can’t do this!” At that point I became upset, and felt that he didn’t care at all that he was imposing on me.
If I’d taken this situation through the 6 Questions it would have gone something like this:
1. What are the bare facts of the situation?
Michael was arriving at 8:30am on Friday and was asking if I could pick him up.
2. What am I telling myself about it?
He expected me to pick him up and entertain him all day. He made plans at the last minute without considering how they would affect me. If I don’t pick him up he’ll be abandoned in San Francisco.
3. What’s the fear (or hurt)?
My fear is that he’d be mad at me if I couldn’t, or wouldn’t pick him up
4. Is there something I can ask someone to find out if my perception of the situation is correct?
I could ask Michael something like “It sounds like you’re relying on me to pick you up. Is that true?” I realized after the fact that he would have answered something like, “No, I’m fine, I have other friends in the city that I can hang out with, I just thought it would be fun to spend more time with you.”
5. Using information from the questions above, what is a realistic assessment of the situation?
Michael is fine, he doesn’t need me to pick him up.
6. What is important here?
That I don’t make myself responsible for Michael – he can take care of himself.
Exercises: Practice Managing Your Emotions
Create a “Trigger List” - List as many as you can think of for each: negative beliefs you have about yourself, negative beliefs you have about others, and negative beliefs about how the world works. These tend to be your triggers for emotional outbreaks, and being aware of them will help you be prepared.
Learn to Use the 6 Questions – Think of a couple of situations that you were in where your emotions were triggered. Try running them through the 6 Questions and notice how your assessment of the situation changes.
Practice Breaking – Practice putting the breaks on your reactions when you feel emotional. Next time you feel yourself getting upset just stop – don’t do or say anything. Retreat from the situation until you’re completely calm and then reassess your reactions. Notice any assumptions you might have made and any misconceptions that might have fed into your emotions.
This is the second in 10 Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life.